Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Everyone else's babies.

I have kind of had it with being excited or happy for everyone else. There is a fantastic list of things that people shouldn't say to women who have had miscarriages. It isn't that they're inherently mean to say - it is just that they don't make us feel better and they just make us feel instead that the person saying it is kind of ignorant to our true feelings.

My miscarriage was almost a year ago. I am still very bitter and emotional about it when left alone to my thoughts. It has all come up again because a dear friend of mine has recently had her second miscarriage. I am hurting for her quite a bit.

Here's some insight on things not to say. Please pass this on to people who might need the education.

1. "At least you know you can get pregnant!" This is an attempt to be kind, however, the desired result is a child, not a positive pregnancy test. It doesn't really address the problems we are going through now.
2. "At least it was early" From the moment one has tested positive, hopes and dreams are building and a loss, even twelve hours later, is very significant and requires a woman to work through her grief process.
3. "This is God's way (or nature's way) of fixing it." It is understandable that people think this would be a warm way to address the difficult situation, but the truth is, many of us never find out what caused the miscarriage, and now we fear that there is something wrong with us that may never allow us to carry a healthy baby to term.
4. making any type of suggestion as to what you think caused the miscarriage. don't, unless you're my personal physician or a reproductive endocrinologist who has read my chart and clinical results. Are you an RE? Then you don't know. Don't begin to think that your suggestions here will be interpreted as anything but insulting and overstepping.
5. "You can always try again" - This is definitely true, and something that every woman will consider and feel better about over time, but at the beginning, in the stage where people are trying to console us, this does not make us feel better because we can't look forward quite yet.

Instead, just say, "I am so sorry for your loss." or just, "I am sorry". . . Acknowledge that she is grieving and that there has been a loss, and be there to listen or talk if she needs you.

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